Ten Days into the Pacific

N39°59’25”, W155°46’21”

I’ve been at sea for ten days in the Pacific Ocean.

For nine of those ten, the only land I’ve seen is on digital charts and in memories. In the wide canvas of human and sailing history, this is a mere scratch on a scratch of time experienced on the water. We’ve had a pretty cherry merry-go-round of conditions. I am sure there is so much more which could have happened already and may happen in the future — like the battery saga requiring us to turn around for repairs in Oahu, more severe seasickness, or weather obstacles. Since this is my first time being this far and long offshore, this scratch of experience holds enormous importance for me.

If you asked someone who knows me, even a little, “what does Bryan like to do?”, sailing would probably be one of the first things mentioned. If you asked my sailing friends, they would say, “work on his boat.” I love both and I wouldn’t want to have one without the other. 

It started a long time ago. My parents cradled me in the cabin of several sailboats as an infant with the v-berth later becoming my sleeping quarters and playroom for week-long journeys. We sailed to Catalina throughout my youth where they taught me to swim, snorkel, fish, drive a dinghy, and make friends with the other children vacationing on their families’ boats at the island. I went to ‘sea camp’ at Toyon Bay near Avalon. I was a junior lifeguard back at home. I was curiously attentive whenever my dad worked on the boat. The neverending list of projects provided nonstop fascination. I eventually moved away from home for college and became enamoured with studies and other endeavors. I lost touch with sailing for a protracted number of years.

In 2018, a woman I was dating enthusiastically suggested, “why don’t we take sailing classes??” As the instructor guided us through getting our J/24 underway out of OCSC in the Berkeley Marina, my heart raced and dopamine flowed. From the first heel of the boat and lift in the sails, I was hopelessly addicted.

It wasn’t long until I was looking for my own boat, spurred by the COVID-19 scuttling of non-essential businesses which included sailboat charter rentals. Inspired by Christian Williams’ YouTube channel and his book elucidating his solo voyage to Hawaii and back on his Ericson 32-3, I found my own boat of the same model. Rumour still had most of the original equipment from 1985 — a blank canvas from which I would build my singlehanded sailing platform. A dream had been instantiated. I will sail to Hawaii and back. Alone.

Alas, I am not on Rumour as I write this. I was offered a crew position delivering a different boat, named Ruby, back to the mainland. When the offer arrived to assist on this return voyage from Hawaii to San Francisco, I felt excited and sad. Enthralled by an opportunity to learn from the ‘uphill trail’ (SF to Hawaii is a lot easier than the return trip). I was also sad that Rumour and I would not be with each other on our first crossing. 

I was also concerned–no, downright worried–that I wouldn’t enjoy ocean sailing. That these last five years of working on and sailing Rumour with the dream of Hawaii would have been for not. Alan Watts has said it’s far better to be at peace with what is and what will be than attempting to jam oneself into a situation or force an outcome. Such is the way humankind can exist in harmony with nature and live a prosperous and contentful life. As I let go of the outcome and lean into this experience of being at sea, I’m finding my own harmonious unity with nature.

Unsurprisingly, I am in love. The sea has me firmly in her embrace. The boat harnesses the wind like a bull rider on the edge of pleasure and catastrophe. The days are hot and the nights are damp. I yearn to be home and here simultaneously–anxious to return and scared to leave the sea behind. As the sun, the moon, and Venus cycle, I count the days until I see the Golden Gate Bridge. It will be time to rejoice. To connect with loved ones. To correlate the culmination of all the skills I’ve gained thus far in my life to build and sail a boat.

Rumour and I will be back here, at sea, together. 

An abbreviated version of this article is posted to Instagram